In Regards to Loving You

My relationships 
Are a series 
Of biting back the words
“I love you”
Until I’m sure
The other person 
Won’t be frightened
By my love.

I trace hearts
On my lovers
To avoid saying
The words.

Those simple,
Yet frightening words:
“I love you.”

I always know right away
When I love someone

And when I love them,
I love them forever.

I never stop 
Loving people.
Sometimes they stop
Loving me.
Sometimes I can’t be 
With them
For my own sanity.

But when I love them,
I love them forever.

It leads to a 
Tragic existence
As no one has ever 
Loved me back 
In that way

And so I sink to 
The lowest lows
I cry until it feels 
Like my heart will burst
Outside of my chest

And the apartment 
In my heart 
Where I have kept that love
Goes dark, goes quiet
I board it up — 
I try to forget it — 
But it remains there

Forever taking up rent
Taking up space
In the empty spaces

The empty places 
Of my heart.

But loving someone
Letting myself be 
Free to love them
Right away
And to express that in my actions —

In the tracings of my fingers
Soft against skin
Tracing hearts
Tracing soft, not hard —

— That is the epitome 
Of the most 
Soaring heights.

One day 
Someday
Those heights will be matched
In someone else’s heart

And I’ll soar 
Like I was always meant to — 
Soar to the highest heights 
And I will finally be — 
Free